Last night my roommates and I were perusing the Marry Our Daughter website.
The premise of the site is simple: parents make a profile for their daughter. A man finds the profile and proposes. If all is well with the proposal: a bride price is paid, a marriage is had, and babies are produced.
I decided to sign Sarah up.
The website claims that it is extremely unlikely that a girl would be left unproposed to. In fact, their confidence is backed by a 50% return on the listing fee if a girl has not been proposed to by the six month mark.
I am confident that those odds mixed with Sarah’s impressive credentials will land her in the marriage of her dreams in absolutely no time at all.
Now, before I could start the application process, I had to carefully read through several DOs and DON’Ts.
Do:
- Ask your daughter what her dreams and goals are, and what she wants out of marriage and life.
- Ask your daughter to tell you exactly what she is looking for in a husband – what she expects out of a life-partner, the qualities that are important to her.
Don’t:
- Do not be sexual or sexually explicit in any way.
- Do not specify contact information. It is fine to write in general terms such as “northeast” or “southwest.”
- Do not include or attach a photo (you can’t anyway) – when you have passed our review process, we will ask you for a photo for your listing.
- Don’t include your daughter’s full name. First names and last initials are fine.
Okay, done. Now on with the application:
First Name and Last Initial of Daughter: Sarah Anne S.
Email Address: beboppinnana13[at]gmail.com
Age: 22
Region: Midwest
Bride Price Wanted: $5,000 upfront, 1lb of Costa Rican espresso on a monthly basis for the next 8 years, and a guarantee that you will not neglect Sarah’s emotional well-being.
Please write a short description of your daughter, what she is like, what she knows of life, what she wants in a husband, based on the above conversations. This information will be used to develop your daughter’s MARRY OUR DAUGHTER listing. up to 200 words:
Thank you for considering Sarah Anne for your website. She is a hard worker, well travelled, and works well with others – especially strangers. I am certain she would make one of your clients very happy in the area of marriage. Qualities valued in a husband: sincerity, thrifty yet generous with money, level-headed, drinks his coffee black, loves God, is philosophical by nature, and has an above average height.
Sarah Anne knows much about life. For instance, she used to occassionaly smoke cigarettes while drinking espresso in “espresso bars” abroad. This is because she travelled Europe for an extended period of time, and that is what they do there. As you can see, Sarah Anne is adaptable to whatever life may throw at her.
In addition, Sarah has almost reached fluency with her Spanish and takes all her daily vitamins.
Now, I see from your testimonials that the average bride hovers around the age of 14. I understand that Sarah Anne is well above that age range, and thus might be looked upon as undesirable by you. I’d like to urge you to dismiss all such thoughts. In fact, if I may speak so bluntly, I think she would only serve to enhance the offerings you have at this website. After all, it’s like they say: the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I believe that Sarah’s age would set her apart and would probably result in more proposals than the average applicant.
In conclusion, Sarah has much to bring to a marriage. Do not let this opportunity pass you by – please pick her.
I’m about 64 words over the limit right now, any suggestions as to what should be cut out?
This won’t reduce your word count, but you should probably change it to read, “drinks her coffee black” so as not to confuse the possible suitors.
I don’t see any listings on the site. Reading the “How to Propose” section says to “click on Propose on her listing and you will be directed to our proposal form” but if I can’t see any available girls, how will I ever get a wife?
Guess I’m doomed to be single for the rest of my life.
Sorry. Out of my price range. Ran into the same issue with the Russian Brides thing.
Too bad that website is blocked as “sexually explicit” here at work.
Maybe trim the part about the squeaky wheels and the grease?
Good post today, Stine: A-
No way, that’s my favorite part.
TOO OLD at 22!!!
Thanks, Christine! I’m not sure my own parents would have made me out to be such a “hot item.” Roommates know best!
How about the smoker part? Marketability goes up when you leave out smoking on these sorts of things.
“Qualities valued in a husband: sincerity, thrifty yet generous with money, level-headed, drinks his coffee black, loves God, is philosophical by nature, and has an above average height.”
this is not for looking for a husband; it is for looking for a sex symbol i guess
oh, ok, it’s just a joke. I am sorry to read it seriously
never mind.
No apologies necessary, Tian!
Adam, it was blocked from my work on the grounds of “Illegal or Questionable.” How’s that for a web-blocking machine?
Ha! “Questionable.” I like it.